


Oddly Empty

by peachpearpapaya



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 17:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 867
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18480727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peachpearpapaya/pseuds/peachpearpapaya
Summary: He remembered earlier on, when they still talked, when they were still a team. (Except they weren’t, were they? Where was Zane?)Or: Jay is still dealing with the loss Zane.





	Oddly Empty

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a short little vent I wrote. This is set in between seasons 3 & 4\. Sorry, Jay.

Jay sat and stared at the mirror before him. He had just finished this evening’s recording. He didn’t feel… right. His heart ached, like someone had filled it with lead, and now it was struggling to stay in his chest, to continue pumping blood. It almost felt like all that heaviness pushed out any other feeling. He felt… nothing? Something? He couldn’t name it, but it reminded him of dread and grief. ‘Heavy’ was the only name he could give it, only because it was just a little too painful to be nothing. 

He hadn’t felt like this in a while, that feeling of painful grief that nestled inside you and made you so apathetic until it finally decided to slither out for a short while. It would come back. Hopefully, it’d take its time again. Ever since Zane’s… (Why can’t he just say it? It had been so long, and he _still_ couldn’t say what had happened to his brother, to his friend.) Ever since Zane, he’s struggled. He couldn’t cope. He just… couldn’t. 

He suppressed all those nasty, invasive feelings just so he could breathe and face the day. He’d done it for so long. Too long. It was no surprise it had came back and bit him in the ass. After so long of pushing down those feelings, he found he couldn’t talk about them or acknowledge them. It made him anxious, bubbled up in his chest because it had no outlet, striking in those short lulls where he thought he could alone and at peace. He didn’t know why, but he couldn’t bring himself to talk about it. Then again, though, who would ask him if he was fine? The team had split. He was on his own.

He remembered earlier on, when they still talked, when they were still a team. (Except they weren’t, were they? Where was Zane?) Cole had asked him how he was holding up. Jay just couldn’t say he wasn’t fine, couldn’t bring himself to cry, couldn’t just pull out the nasty words in his chest. He wanted to but saying it made it all too real. All he could do was shrug and say, “As well as anyone can.” Cole knew he was lying. Jay could tell by the skeptical look on the earth ninja's face. He didn’t push, though. Cole just nodded. No one could sort out their feelings very well back then. Jay chuckled, thinking how he couldn’t even sort out his feelings now.

He sighed again. He wanted to talk it out. Talk about what happened. Talk about the heavy weight that sat in his chest. He didn’t, no, couldn’t. He could only stare at a dull reflection of a depressed, deflated man.

He worked so hard to get here, but to do what? To get rich? Be famous? Bring hope? Have fun? No. He needed that distraction. It was a selfish reason, honestly, but he couldn’t stand being alone with his thoughts. There was nothing worse than that harsh repetition of your failures, your loss, the terrors of the world all swirling in your head. If he didn’t have something to occupy himself with, he was certain he would’ve cracked. (Maybe he should’ve, though. Was he properly honoring Zane by acting like everything never happened? Would Zane love him, be proud of him?)

Sometimes, he’d fantasize about talking about his thoughts & feelings. Mostly to his friends or coworkers. Maybe an acquaintance. Sometimes a complete stranger. Just hoping that someone, _anyone_ , would see through his facade and be there for him. Listen to him. _Help_ him. It wouldn’t happen, though. When did anything good ever happen to him? Jay snorted. That’s right. Nothing good had happened ever since Zane, ever since they stopped the Overlord once & for all. (But that was all Zane, wasn’t it? He was a hero. What are you?)

That bitter humor didn’t last long, though. He missed Zane. From his metal skin to his ability to think and evaluate to his ice to his smile to his jokes to- 

Jay could feel his chest swell. He was feeling, and he was feeling so, so much. That grief he worked so hard to avoid had returned. It wasn’t like an achy heart. It was worse, so much worse. He choked back tears as his thoughts swirled. He didn’t know when he had moved, but he wasn’t staring at his reflection anymore. He was now resting his head in his hands. He felt tears stream between his curled fingers. He ached. Why did it have to be like this? If only… (If only he had done it, not Zane. It’d be so much easier than feeling like _this_.)

He didn’t know how long he had cried, but it had definitely been a while. He needed to go home. He could just sleep it off. A bit of shut-eye always “reset” him. (It was late after training. They had joked if Zane needed a reset. He didn’t need to remember that.)

He stood up and stared at the man in the mirror again. He needed to drown these thoughts & feelings. So, he left. He left for home.

He missed him.

He missed Zane.


End file.
